Thank You for Calling

Is it just me or someone else has called a place of business … like some kind of retail chain … or a restaurant … looking for certain information and you are greeted with a 30 second or more bombardment with a greeting script that promotes sales that have no value to you and are unintelligible because the speaker speaks faster than your lips can move? Why are they talking so fast? Because they have a lot to say in their written greeting and they are most likely embarrassed by the content of the script even though they are employed there. I don’t want to hear all of this when I call somewhere to find out the store hours or if they have a particular item in stock. Everyone who reads this knows what I’m talking about. Let’s try one per size, shall we …

“Thanks for calling Mike’s Bikes and Trikes where our specials on wheels will make you laugh, and 20% off all bike accessories for this month only, I’m Rupert, how can I help you today?”

Okay … it wasn’t really 30 seconds, but it’s certainly a mouthful and if I call just to see if they have bike chain oil in stock, I don’t need anything but a quick …

“Mike’s Bikes, this is Rupert,” Enough said.

“Do you have bicycle chain oil in stock?” “We have over thirty-two varieties of bike chain oil starting at $ 2.99 a quarter and lower in viscosity than our premium blend of synthetic bike chain oils ranging around $ 49.99 per qu. .. “



“You are continuing again.”

Do you see where I’m going with this? And the problem is … we don’t even hear the proper written greeting because, first, we are expecting us to dial the correct number and we are trying to listen in where the greeter mentions the actual location and name of the place. Second, they are talking so fast to get what they have to say … no doubt due to the sheer volume of incoming phone calls, having to say the same damn thing over and over again throughout the day, and the sheer embarrassment of the written greeting; it comes out sounding like this …

“Tanxfercallin Mikesbikestrikes were squeaky wheel deals and 20 cents off bikes sorry for a month disRupert how can I help you today?”

“Um … yeah … is this Mike’s Bikes?”

“That’s what I just said.”

“Um … yeah … okay … sure … if you say so kid.”

The greeter does not take the time to enunciate. It’s that easy. Should they? I do not believe it. I don’t think scripted greetings are relevant in the world of marketing. That said, I’m not a marketing guru, but I’m willing to bet the amount of money in my wallet (chill, my son most likely stole it anyway) that anyone reading this can hardly argue with the done with me about this. Has anyone who heard a scripted greeting like this really understand it and get excited to the point where the script actually served a purpose? Oh my God! I have to go to Mike’s because they have a 20% discount on their accessories for this month only! Somebody? Contact me if so. I’ll invite you to lunch and we’ll talk. You will most likely not be offended, but I will certainly write about your kind in my next post.

“I know … let’s get them to say this when they answer the phone!” Evil laughter emanates throughout the boardroom.

What they are missing … is the fact that, as embarrassing as the phone script sounds to the employee who has to memorize it … he realizes that many are made to attach the greeting to the phones so that -being an employee just reads the script … like a newscaster reads a TelePrompTer … when they answer the phone … they are working for the exact same company as Bozo the Clown who had the idea for the script to start with. So it’s embarrassing for the employee, yes. I’d like to add that even though Bozo doesn’t have to answer the phone that way during the course of the day because he’s in marketing and works at the corporate level … they still have to answer the question; when asked; “Where did you work

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